Have you ever had a staring contest? With a bunny? Have you ever wondered how on earth you win a staring contest with a bunny? Well wonder no more.
A friend sent me a link to a website choc-a-block full of animal fight videos. While browsing, I came across a staring contest between a bunny and the viewer and I thought, now that’s my kind of battle.
I didn’t last very long. I got bored and started snapping screenshots instead. And then I put on Shrek. And then I wrote an email. Yeah, I did all that while I was supposed to be having a staring contest with a bunny.
Here are some tips for winning a staring contest (with anyone, not just a bunny)
I should mention I have never tried any of these.
- Before you start staring, close your eyes hard for a few seconds. Apparently this produces tear production, which helps you avoid blinking
- When you are about to blink, squint and furrow your brow. This also encourages tear production
- During the contest, open your eyes really wide, when you think you are about to blink, open them even wider. Try it!
- Think of something really sad while staring at your opponent. Bet you can guess why
And now for some staring contest moves.
The Dead Man’s Influence
This highly controversial maneuver involves slowly exhaling through your lips and into the face of your opponent. The key to success: never blow. Blowing is illegal, and we must maintain a sense of order if this sport is ever to be taken seriously by the Summer (or Winter) Olympic Committee. Still, if you exhale just right, without pursing your lips, no one can accuse you of cheating.
You must zone out, lose sense of your surroundings, and enter a daydream state where no outside influence can distract you. Do this by imagining a tropical island in the middle of a crystal clear ocean. In the middle of the island is a turtle that has wings. Her name is Dorothy, and she talks with a British accent, and she has a treasure map on the back of her shell. But she can’t see the map, because turtles can’t look at their own backs, so she must find someone trustworthy to help her locate the treasure. And then there’s this evil pirate named Terrible Garret, and Terrible Garret has a cannon for a hand and he rides on a puma, and…wait. What were we talking about? Oh yeah. You need to let your mind wander.
The Booger Factory
How badly do you want to win? If you are willing to tarnish your reputation and be stuck with the nickname “Booger Factory” for the rest of your academic life, use this surefire tactic. Before the event, make a lot of boogers. We’re not sure how boogers are made, but for some reason listening to Lady Antebellum seems to work. Then, leave the boogers in your nose until the battle. Your adversary will be too grossed out to stare at you for longer than ten seconds.
In the heat of battle, when you feel as though your eyes are about to implode with dryness, simply accuse the other person of blinking.
To accomplish this theoretical maneuver, you need to train your irises to close all the way, while your eyelids remain open. We’ve never seen it happen, but according to this sketch we made on our notebook, and this kid we knew in 8th grade, it’s possible.
When all else fails, whisper the word, “Pickle.” This works every time
Other stupid animal battles
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